More Than A Game: A Parent’s Perspective of Junior Golf
Being a parent was hard enough. Add the demands of competitive junior golf, and the lines between being a parent, coach, and agent began to blur. My son, Justin, shot 76 on the last day of a tournament and lost by a stroke. We argued and made fools of ourselves in front of the rest of the players and parents. We were silent at dinner, and he cried when we returned to the hotel room. Unfortunately, this was not the first time something like this happened. How did our journey, which started out with a common love for golf, take such a turn?
We wanted to provide an opportunity to our son that I never had. My wife and I spent a lot of time and money to invest in his success in junior golf. We looked at junior golf as a pathway to his dream college. He held up his end of the bargain, practicing hard and doing well in school. Below the surface, something more sinister was taking place. I was fulfilling my ego as a parent. Subconsciously, I wanted to see Justin succeed to validate me as a father. We were doing the right things, but for the wrong reasons.
Shortly after this meltdown, Justin experienced an elbow injury that forced him to take a few months away from golf. Those few months turned into almost a year of him playing other sports and growing as a person. During this break, I realized that Justin did not need to be “pushed.” He had already become a hard-working, competitive kid. Maybe he was struggling with the pressure I was putting on him? Being disconnected from the week to week roller coaster of competitive golf made me realize that even if he did not win another tournament in his life, I’d still be proud of Justin. I decided to start, as Coach Watts loves to say, focusing on the process. Letting go of my attachment to results opened my eyes to the beauty of the journey. He felt more secure in our relationship and I became less of a demand and more of a resource. This change led to me trusting him to take ownership of this process. I still provided support and guidance, but he ended up taking charge of his practice, tournament schedule, and college recruitment process. I was there to help, but he called the shots.
After this turning point, Justin’s career took off. He was playing free and competing, largely because he knew that regardless of the result, I was proud to have a child that worked hard and did the right thing. This is when he caught the attention of Coach Watts and other Division I coaches. Through all the pressure and distractions, I focused on keeping Justin true to the process. We started to embrace the journey together, like he was driving and I was riding shotgun. Other than a few discussions on how he should interact with college coaches, I stayed relatively distant from the process. I wanted his initiative and maturity to show through. The only exception was when he started talking to Coach about going to West Point...I had to make sure I knew what he was getting into!
This journey ended with him committing to play golf at the United States Military Academy at West Point. We learned, changed, and grew together in so many ways. If I had to advise a parent on this journey with their child, I would give them three themes to focus on:
Find the line. Every child has a line to where you can push them. This varies based on personality, age, and maturity level. There is nothing wrong with teaching them the value of hard work, preparation, and sacrifice through the game of golf. However, once you cross that line, anything you say or do becomes counterproductive. Challenge them to grow, but don’t break them with expectations.
Let go of your ego, this journey is not about you. As they mature, you will relinquish more responsibility to them, and they might surprise you.
Disarm. Whenever tension develops, don’t underestimate the value of a hug and a meal together where you don’t talk about anything golf related. You will have tough conversations about mistakes that were made at practice or on the course. The lessons will be learned eventually--don’t let this tension bleed into the rest of your relationship.
I am honored that Coach Watts asked me to share my thoughts about being a golf parent. I’ve wanted to share them for quite some time. It has been a while since Justin and I have teed it up, but the lessons we learned through golf transcend the game itself. As the parent of an aspiring student-athlete, you have an opportunity to forge a unique connection with your child. While the path to college golf is challenging, it is an amazing and fulfilling journey. Do your best, keep it fun, and as Coach Watts says, enjoy the walk!